Take a Chance and Don't Ever Look Back
by MakeAScene487
Summary: What happens when perfect Saint Clare decides God's turned His back on her? Clare's decent into the darker side of high school. Will Eli save her, or merely help her decent into darkness? Clare&Eli.
1. Regret

"Alli, I really don't think this is a good idea. I mean, this is the first time my parents have ever left me home for a weekend, alone, by myself. Do you think a huge party is the best way to celebrate that freedom? What if- hey, what if we just watch Twilight and make popcorn?"

Alli sighed and patted her best friend's auburn head.

"Clare, Clare, Clare. It's not a big party. It's a … small … get together. And you know we needed to have it here- I HAVE to see Drew outside of school, and my parents aren't exactly open to the idea of the party. And they'd never leave me alone. Please please please?" Alli batted her big, brown eyes at Clare.

Clare sighed. "Fine." Alli squealed and hugged her friend. It's not like the party wouldn't have happened- everyone was coming in an hour and it really WASN'T a small get together, it wasn't exactly cancelable, but she was happy her friend was finally warming up to the idea.

About an hour later, everyone arrived, and Alli had been right. It was a great party. There was loud music, and dancing, and Eli was there. Not that Clare had been looking for him. But they'd spent the entire party sitting on top of the island in her kitchen, talking. Mostly about her parents, and her sister, Darcy. Then, Alli went over and pulled Clare down from the counter.

"C'mon. About 10 of us are going to go into the dining room and play Never Have I Ever. Drew's there."

"Alli, I don't want to. Eli and I were talking." Alli sighed and glanced back at Eli.

"Eli, come play never have I ever with me and Clare and people." The jet-black-haired boy shrugged and walked ahead of the girls into the dining room, a slight smirk on his face. Clare sighed and let Alli drag her into the dining room. They were positioned so Alli was directly across from Drew, and Clare directly across from Eli, with Clare and Alli sitting next to each other. A blonde girl that Clare vaguely recognized from school spoke.

"Okay, some people play you take a piece of clothing off every time you've done something, some people play you take a sip of beer each time. We'll do both, so we can play longer and no one ends up drunk or naked… in this room. " She winked at a boy she either liked or was dating sitting across the table before continuing. " So basically, alternate each time you've done something between drinking and stripping."

Clare realized there was a red cup full of beer in front of her. She sighed. This really wasn't her scene. But she guessed she probably hadn't done many of the things the people here had, so she didn't mind. Much. Dave started.

"Never have I ever… lied to my folks." Everyone except Dave himself removed something- Clare removed her abstinence ring- and put it in the middle of the table.

"With questions like that, I'll be naked in 10." Alli's crush, Drew, said. Alli looked flirtatiously at him.

About 45 minutes later, they were still at it, and to Clare's surprise, she'd done quite a lot. She'd been reduced to simply the cami she'd worn under her T-shirt and a pair of jeans, and she felt more than a slight buzz in the back of her head that she'd decided was alcohol. It was Eli's turn. Clare had noticed that he'd been staring at her the entire night. He got a devilish grin in his eyes.

"Never have I ever… kissed a boy." And they were on an undressing turn. Clare looked from her cami to her jeans to her cami. She bit her lip, really not wanting to do this. But all the girls at the table, many of them in their bras and panties already anyway, looked at her expectantly, knowing that she'd kissed KC back when they were dating.

Clare sighed and pulled off the cami, revealing a black lacy bra. Eli's jaw dropped all the way to the ground. Alli looked for Clare to Eli and back to Clare. Smirking, she announced,

"We're out of beer!" Clare knew this was far from the truth, but was thankful that Alli was getting these people out of her house. Like she'd predicted, all the people filed out except Eli. What she didn't predict was that Alli followed, whispering in her ear,

"call me later and tell me EVERYTHING. Bye!" She winked and left.

Clare looked a little nervously at Eli. She got up to reach across the table and grab her clothes, but as soon as she stood up, she fell to the ground. She laughed, even though it wasn't really funny. So, this was what it was like to be drunk. Although she didn't think she was drunk- she'd only had half of her cup of beer. Eli jumped up and grabbed her hand, pulling her to her unsteady feet. She pulled the camisole over her head and turned around to thank him, but when she did, their faces were almost touching.

"Eli-" She started to say, but before she did, they were kissing. Finally. They'd known each other for months, flirted, but this… this was what she'd wanted. She stopped as she felt his hands go to her waist. She turned back and looked at her abstinence ring lying still in the middle of the table as Eli kissed her neck, the results of 8 months of pent up hormones spilling out, both of them a little less inhibited because of their drinks.

Yes, she'd promised to remain chaste. But that was before God had so conveniently forgotten to take care of Clare and her family, before they'd gotten a divorce, before Darcy had been raped.

She turned back to Eli and lead him out of the dining room, into the living room, onto the couch, leaving her purity ring on that table. They resumed kissing, heavily, for several minutes, before his soft, cool hands slid up her shirt slowly. Clare shivered and moaned a little, involuntarily. She froze, then, and put her hands on his through her shirt. He looked at her and whispered breathlessly

"We can stop…" She knew he didn't want to- and the scary part was, she wasn't sure that she did.

"No. Keep… keep going." He smiled and returned his lips to her, as they slowly shifted to a horizontal position on the couch. She felt his hands fiddle with her bra clasp, and then felt it slide off of her. She'd never done this before, but it felt… right. She slid her hands up his finely toned chest- he was still shirtless from their game. He played with the hem of the gray cami and started to slide it up, kissing her stomach as he went up. Then, they heard a deep voice exclaim,

"What the hell?" Damn. Clare knew that voice. Her ex-boyfriend, K.C. Guthrie. It was funny how much three words could sober her up. She and Eli jumped off of each other, her bra falling to the floor as they did so. K.C. stared at it, his eyes wide.

"I… I came back to get my watch… you… Clare?" He sounded angry and sad and hurt and confused all wrapped up in one. Anger overtook, though. He walked over and picked up the bra.

"We dated for months, Clare. MONTHS. And all we did was kiss. I wanted more- God, I'm human. But I RESPECTED you. I ADMIRED you for having MORALS. And now you're rolling around on a couch with this loser? You two aren't even dating!" Clare wiped her lips, as though she could erase everything that had just happened.

"How far would you have gone if I hadn't come in? God, you are such a selfish little… bitch!" Eli jumped up then and, even though he was inches shorter, shoved K.C. backwards until he was out the door.

"Don't you DARE call her that. And NEVER come back here again." With that, he slammed the wooden front door in K.C.'s bewildered face. Clare was sitting on the couch when he returned, tears in her eyes. He sat next to her and hesitantly put an arm around her, kissing her hair.

"I… I can't Eli. I'm sorry. Not tonight. Not like this." Eli pulled away from her so she had to look at him.

"Do you think I care?" Clare sniffled.

"Well… I mean you ARE a guy…" Eli chuckled.

"I just want to be here with you, Clare. I'll sit on the opposite end of the couch if you want, see?" He unwillingly took his arm from around her and scooted down to the end of the couch. Clare giggled a little through her tears.

"No…" She followed him and leaned her head on his shoulder.

"Everything's just so… messy." She sniffed. "My parents… And Darcy came home last week and she's all… depressed again, becaue Peter doesn't l-l-love her anymore a-a-and I'm scared she'll hurt herself again and K.C… I don't know w-w-what I feel for him anymore but he obviously impacts me and G-G-God is like not even a part of my life anymore and that's always been like w-who I am and…"

"Clare. No matter what happens with your parents, or Darcy, or God, or Peter, or K.C., or ANYONE I'll always lo- I'll always be here for you, okay?" Clare sniffed again and nodded.

"E-Eli?"

"Yeah?"

"Will… will you stay here tonight? Just… stay here with me?" He smiled and kissed her forehead.

"Of course, Clare." He grabbed the remote with one hand and pulled her closer to him with the other, flicking through some of the channels until Harry Potter showed up. Clare smiled a little.

"I love this movie!" Eli laughed.

"Everyone does, Clare." They both leaned into each other, but Clare was asleep within ten minutes. Eli smiled and gently laid her down on the couch, putting a pillow under her head and gently placing the afghan draped over the couch onto her beautiful sleeping form before going into the next room over and stretching out on the couch, smiling to himself. Maybe it hadn't been the best night, but he was happy it had happened. He was overwhelmed at times with how much he liked Clare, but … things were okay.

**So, I was inspired by reading all of the Clare/Eli fanfics there are and decided to write one. See those pretty buttons right down there, the "review" and the "favorite"? if you click them, it magically makes new chapters appear faster! Thanks so much. (: **


	2. Simply Right

Clare's eyelids fluttered open, her head pounding. All at once last night came flooding back. She remembered kissing Eli by the table- that had been nice. But after that, things got fuzzy. She looked at the floor and saw her bra lying there. God. How far HAD they gone last night?

Faintly, she remembered K.C. coming in… had she and Eli kept going? How … she had so many questions.

One of them was, why the hell did she smell bacon? She sat up slowly, so not to add more of a headache, and looked over to the kitchen, a small smile tugging at her lips as she did. Eli was dancing around- shirtless, Clare couldn't help but notice- with his iPod in, frying, sure enough, bacon on the Edwards' freerange stovetop.

Clare quietly got out of bed and walked over him, fully intending on scaring him. She gently tapped him on the shoulder, and he jumped around with a scream. Clare laughed as Eli's face clouded with false anger.

Eli couldn't help himself. When Clare laughed, he laughed. Simple as that. He pulled out his earphones and ruffled her hair, inducing one of her easy blushes.

"Morning, gorgeous." Eli looked away then. He hadn't even considered that Clare might consider last night a mistake. Or if she even remembered it. Clare looked away too, but then their eyes caught each others'.

"Eli… last night.. did we…"

"We stopped, Clare. Your innocence is still in tact." He winked at her as she rolled her eyes and scoffed.

"Hardly." She looked down and then back up to him.

"Last night… it might've been a mistake…" Clare loved him. She knew it in that moment. But he surely didn't feel the same. He'd just… he was drunk last night too, after all.

Eli put the fork that he'd been holding down and stepped closer to her until their bodies were nearly touching.

"It might've been a mistake, but Clare… this isn't." And with that, they were kissing again. It was different than the night before. Then, it had been passion, lust, anxiety, fire… everything exploding. Now? It was different. But so much better. It was full of tenderness, sweetness.

Eli's tongue flicked Clare's lower lip and their mouths opened, both of them exploring territory that had previously been uncharted. After a few minutes, they broke apart.

Clare looked into Eli's piercing, green eyes.

"Does that mean…" Eli smiled at her nervousness.

"That you're my girlfriend? Only… only if you want it to. But I…" He kissed her again "I want it to."

Clare nodded furiously.

"I do too. More than…" She blushed again "more than anything." Eli grinned then and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her sweet-smelling hair. Clare smiled as she pressed her face into his bare chest. Was this wrong? God, church, the Bible, her parents, they could all tell her so. But she didn't feel wrong.

She felt loved. More than she ever had with K.C.

She pulled away then, realizing she probably looked, tasted and smelled as gross as she felt.

"I'm going to go shower… and change and stuff. Kay? Be right back." She pecked him on the lips again, already feeling like that was natural, before scampering up the stairs. She was halfway up when Eli said,

"Clare?" She stopped in her tracks. He got a devilish grin on his face.

"You look hot with bedhead." Clare's cheeks turned a light raspberry color as she made her way up to her room.

She descended 30 minutes later, looking and feeling one hundred and ten percent better. She'd put on a pair of short, for her, grey sports shorts, and a teal tank top. She'd just put on a swipe of light green eyeshadow and black eyeliner on her water line, with a nude lipgloss. Her wet hair emitted the scent of green apples, hanging by her shoulders in wet cascades. Eli, hearing the stairs creak as she walked down, turned around and grinned like a fool.

She was beautiful.

Clare smiled at him, happy that she caused that reaction. K.C. never told her she was pretty. Automatically, she hated herself for comparing the two of them, but it was true- Eli was a million times better. Nicer. He made her happier. She grabbed a piece of bacon off of the plate sitting in the kitchen and immediately popped a mint in her mouth before sitting on the couch next to Eli. He smiled mischeviously and pulled her into his lap.

Clare squealed, but allowed herself to be pulled into her boyfriend's-boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend!- lap. They sat there for nearly 45 minutes, alternatively watching stupid Saturday morning cartoons and kissing. Clare knew that, in God's eyes, this was probably not appropriate. But frankly, she didn't give a damn. If God was going to abandon her when **she** needed him most, who was she to obey him? Why should she care what he thought was right or wrong? He certainly didn't care about Clare anymore.

And being like this with Eli… it simply felt right.

Just then, snapping her out of her little epiphany, Clare's phone, resting on the coffee table, went off, signaling she'd gotten a new text. Keeping one arm wrapped around Eli's neck, she grabbed her phone off of the table and slid it open.

_(4 New Messages – Alli Bhandari) _

Why was she not surprised? Three were from the night before, and the newest was from a few seconds ago. They all contained messages of increasing urgency, asking where she was, what had happened with Eli? Clare laughed. Eli, reading over her shoulder, chuckled too, before whispering for no reason into Clare's ear, causing shivers to run up her spine.

"Why don't we show her what happened with Eli?" Clare nodded and switched her phone to camera mode, turning it around and taking a picture of her and Eli. Just as the camera sound went off, Eli unexpectedly kissed her hard on the lips. Clare giggled girlishly and turned the phone around. It had indeed captured the kiss, but she sent it to her best friend with only the caption

_This is what happened with Eli, basically._

Clare pushed 'send' and kissed Eli lightly on the lips, giddy with happiness.

Maybe things would start going right.

**A/N: Oh my GOD. I have never gotten so many reviews on a single story. That's incredible. You are all amazing. Can't wait to hear your thoughts on this chapter. I might have another chapter up later tonight. (: **


	3. A Way To Deal

**A/N: Slight, itty-bitty, small spoiler for My Body Is A Cage Part 2 in this chapter. Just an F.Y.I. **

Clare was lying on the white faux leather sofa, head hanging upside down. Eli was lying on the floor, his head inches from hers. They'd spent all Saturday together, and were now enjoying their last few hours of uninterrupted, pure fluff before Clare's parents returned home.

"Twenty questions?" Clare laughed.

"God. Eli, that's so…"

"Cliché? Maybe. But let's do it anyway. You go first." Clare rolled her eyes.

"Okay. Uh… what's your living situation, that allows you to spend two nights at my house without so much as a single phone call?"

"My mom and dad died when I was 9- they got hit by a drunk driver. Cliché number two of the day, right? Anyway, so I live with my uncle, but he's like a music executive or whatever and flies to New York, L.A., Chicago, places like that in the States more than he's home. He's pretty laid back, doesn't care what I do as long as I don't drop out of school or whatever." He let Clare gape at him for a moment- it was in fact more than he usually said at once. He tended to speak more with his eyes.

"What's up with you and the Christian thing, exactly?" Clare sighed.

"Well, I used to be super-Christian. I went to a Catholic private school until ninth grade- I have a purity ring-" She dangled her hand in his face. "and stuff. But frankly… I'm kind of done with all this God stuff for a while. Darcy, my older sister, she was raped a few years ago, and then once she was barely over that, she went to Kenya for a semester and then when she came home Peter, her boyfriend who she'd never OFFICIALLY broken up with like… didn't love her anymore, so she's depressed again. Plus, my parents are always fighting and my mom thinks my dad's having an affair. I hate- God, this is cliché, too, but I hate my friends. I mean Alli, she can be great, I guess, but she's always so self-absorbed. She doesn't even know about my parents. All she cares about is guys. Which I guess is 'normal' for a teenage girl, but I don't. And my only other real friend, Jenna, is the one who basically stole K.C. from me. Which isn't really a bad thing, but I'm not exactly best friends with her, you know? And-" Eli silenced her by coming over and pecking her on the lips.

"Clare, you're cute when you ramble." Clare blushed, but kissed him back. She then looked upside down at the clock on top of the TV and struggled for a minute, trying to read it upside down. She then jumped up with a start.

"Oh my God, Eli, it's 5:28. My parents… they said 5:30, they're never late, and they will kill both of us if you're here when they get here. It took a day of convincing for me to convince them to let me have ALLI over." He popped up, too, and pecked her on the lips again.

"Say no more. This isn't exactly the way for them to find about us, eh?" They both laughed before Eli sprinted out the front door, jumping into Morty, his beloved hearse, and driving away. No sooner had he done that than Clare heard the garage door open, and her parents' SUV pull into the garage. She sat on the couch and flicked the TV on, fixing her unkempt hair as much as she could and re-applying a coat of lip gloss.

When her parents came in, she ran to them and hugged them both, her mother first and then her father, with less warmth. She didn't know what she thought of him at the moment.

"Mom, Dad, how was the retreat?" Unbeknownst to anyone except Eli, her parents had gone to a weekend retreat for troubled married couples.

Clare's mother pecked her daughter on the head. It was just then that Clare realized her mother's eyes were bloodshot.

"It was… fine, sweetheart. I'm going to make dinner, okay?" Clare nodded morosely. She'd thought, in vain, even PRAYED, that this would fix things.

Hours later, she heard her parents start up one of their screaming matches. She rolled over and groaned when she saw the clock. It was 1:39. She had school in the morning. She tried not listening, but she couldn't help but overhear.

"I was right! You're sleeping with that… that… WHORE from your office! She's only four years older than DARCY you bastard!"

"Shut the fuck up. You don't know what the HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."

Crash. Bang. Clare winced as she heard things being thrown. Something shattering. Against her better judgment, she got out of bed and started to descend down the stairs after she heard her father's footsteps come up them, and his office door slamming.

"Mom?" She asked in a meek voice. Her mother was sitting against the sliding glass door leading out to the deck, now broken into a million pieces. The side of her face, having been cut with a piece of flying glass, was bleeding.

"Oh, Mom." Clare grabbed a few paper towels and started to wipe it up when they both froze as they heard her father's footsteps thundering down the stairs.

"Clare don't you DARE HELP THAT SELFISH BITCH" he began to roar at her.

"Daddy… she's hurt… I need t-t-o help her…." Clare whimpered, knowing full well what her dad could and would do to her.

"STAND UP." He bellowed at her. She obeyed, scared of what would happen if she didn't. Before she knew what was happening, he was punching her in the face. Then he slapped her. Then, her face met the ground. She felt a foot go into her gut. After that, simply heavy breathing was heard in the room. Her father's. After that, she heard his footsteps went back up the stairs and she heard the door slam.

Not caring about her mother right now, Clare dragged herself up to her room. She stumbled over to her vanity table and stared at herself in the mirror, tears running down a fresh bruise forming on her left cheekbone. She started to walk over to her bed, dragging her hand along the side of the vanity table for support, when something sharp pierced her finger. She looked down. An old boxcutter from when they'd moved was sitting on her table. She looked at her finger, which was starting to bleed a little bit.

Clare sat down on the chair in front of the vanity table and stared at the blood, a little mesmerized by it. It was like, everything that had just happened downstairs was just…. Trickling out. She squeezed the finger and watched as it dripped a solitary drop of blood onto the white table.

Then another.

Drip. Her father cheating.

Drip. Her mother's anger.

Drip. Her bruised face.

Then, just like that, the small hole in her finger stopped bleeding. Clare frowned. She hadn't been done. Fully aware of what this was, fully aware that she'd helped Adam stop doing something similar merely a few days before, she took the box cutter and traced a small, thin line on her upper forearm. She smiled a little as little dots of blood started to appear on the line.

A dot for Darcy. A dot for K.C. A dot for Jenna. A dot for her father's skanky secretary. A dot for Peter, for breaking Darcy's heart. A dot for everyone in the world. After a few moments ,the dots all blended together until they formed a single, solitary red line. A red line of pain that she could simply get rid of.

Clare walked over, holding her arm still so the line wouldn't be disturbed, and grabbed a tissue, pressing it against the cut. It made a thin, red stain on the tissue. It didn't bleed anymore, but it was okay. It was all she needed to bleed out of herself, at least for tonight. She took the tissue and went to throw it away, but then thought better of it and grabbed the key from around her bedside lamp and unlocked a small drawer in her desk. It was her special drawer. It had a family picture, a picture of KC, the edge burned on that one. There was a piece of fabric she'd torn from her old private school uniform before she'd thrown it away.

Without a second thought, she put the tissue and the boxcutter, which now had a slightly bloodstained blade, in the drawer, re-locking it and climbing into her bed, staring out the window at the moon.

Had she really done that? She'd read stories about girls who… did that to themselves. She couldn't bring herself to say it. It made it more real. She wasn't like them though. She wouldn't do it all the time. She wouldn't change who she was as a person. It was just… a way to cope when things got so unmanageable.

Yeah. A way to deal. That's it. A way to deal.

The next morning, Clare opened her eyes and grabbed her phone off the beside table, realizing she'd never texted Eli like she said she would. There were three messages from him.

_Hey, Clare. Thinking about you. How was your parents' retreat? Are they getting better? Text me back. _

_Clare, it's like 10:30 and I haven't heard from you. I have some weird feeling that something's wrong. Message me back and put my silly worries to rest, will you? _

_Clare, it's almost 2am. I'm going to bed because I do need to manage to stay awake in school. But I feel like something happened, other than you being forgetful. You're in my thoughts. See you in about six hours. _

Clare sighed. How did he know? She knew he'd freak out if he saw her face. She felt a dull ache from her arm and looked at it. The cut. That one, single cut. She remembered it- remembered how comforted she'd felt during it, and after it as well. She wasn't crazy. She wasn't a… a… one of those people. Not like Adam was. She just needed a release sometimes. Right? Because she was perfect Saint Clare, and perfect Saint Clare wouldn't intentionally hurt herself, ever.

Right?

With another sigh, she rolled out of bed and got dressed in a pink half sleeve shirt, appropriate for spring, but effectively hiding the cut on her forearm. There was only one, but it was so… precise. Just like everything she did. She didn't need anyone questioning how it had happened, especially Eli. She didn't know how to lie to him. Well, she did, but he always seemed to KNOW when she was lying to him.

She put on a pair of denim shorts and a pair of silver ballet flats and went to work on her face. She almost gasped at her reflection. She had a small red, hand-shaped mark on one cheek. But that wasn't the problem. There was a disgusting, yellow-fading-to-purple bruise on her cheekbone. She took concealer and covered it as much as she could- when she was done, it looked a little better. But not much. It was definitely still noticeable- Clare just prayed that no one would take the time to look at her closely enough, to notice it in the first place.

She was finishing up her regular makeup when she heard a familiar honk from outside. He hadn't, had he?

Clare raced to her window, facing the street, and there was in fact a black hearse parked in front of it, her favorite black-haired boy sitting in the drivers' seat. A grin broke out on her face as she raced downstairs. Her father was already at work, surprise, surprise. Her mother looked at her with a puzzled glance.

"Who is that outside, Clare?" Clare sighed. Now?

"Eli. He's my… he's my…" Her mom looked at her with a knowing glance, the gash on the side of her face wrinkling a little.

"He's your boyfriend, Clare?" Clare nodded, looking guilty.

"Does he know about your ring?" Clare nodded again.

"And respects it?" A third nod. Her mom sighed. She really didn't want her daughter to be dating, but what could she do? She was a normal sixteen year old girl, after all.

"Fine. Go. Be careful, be safe, and invite him over for dinner next weekend." Clare grinned.

"Thanks, Mom!" She ran over and gave her mother a kiss on the uninjured side of her face, neither of them pointing out the other's injuries. Clare walked out of the house, keeping her head tilted to the right as she walked over to her boyfriend's passenger side, thankful that her bruise was facing the window and not Eli. He grinned when she climbed in.

"Hey, gorgeous." That in itself triggered one of Clare's easy blushes. He reached over to kiss her, but she didn't turn to kiss him back, afraid of what he'd see on her cheek. He gave her a puzzled glance but shrugged it off. Girls were weird.

"How come you never texted me last night?" Clare bit her bottom lip.

"Sorry. Some… stuff came up." Eli didn't believe Clare's weak lies for a moment.

"Liar. What's the matter?" Clare sighed.

"Nothing."

"Look at me, Clare." She slowly turned her face to him, accepting that she couldn't hide it forever. He gasped.

"Your… your dad?" Clare nodded, a million words and emotions racing through her blue eyes. Eli gently raised a finger to brush gently against the bruise.

"He… I … I'm going to kill him." Clare's eyes got wide and she shook her head furiously.

"Don't, Eli. He's… he'll hurt you, too. I think he's going to leave, move out, soon. Just… no." Eli gripped the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles started turning white.

"I knew something was wrong last night." Clare leaned over and turned his head towards her and kissed him softly on the lips.

"Come on. Let's just go to school."

"School it is." Eli smiled a small, fake smile at Clare. He was brewing inside. How dare anyone hurt Clare- his Clare- like this? It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. And he couldn't do a damn thing. He ignored it for the time being, not wanting to upset the beautiful girl next to him any more than she already was, and started the car, driving them to Degrassi.

Someone had to pay.


	4. Author's Note

**A U T H O U R ' S N O T E**

**So, I really hate when authors make a whole new chapter just for an author's note, but I also know that not everyone reads the author's notes at the end of each chapter, so I'm letting you all know what's up. (: **

**(Sorry if you got all excited for a new chapter! I hate to disappoint- I should have another chapter of both stories up by later tonight.)**

**So, for the past three years I've been homeschooled, and am now going back to a public school for junior year. It's going to take some getting used to, and so consequently there's going to be less time for me to write. I start school tomorrow. **

**I'm not getting on the computer for more than 10 minutes or so each night on any school night, because it's too distracting to me- I'll be on all night even if I say I'm just getting on for 30 minutes. **

**So both of my Degrassi fanfictions will be updated weekly after tonight's update.**

**Closer To The Edge will be updated Friday nights **

**Take A Chance And Don't Ever Look Back will be updated Saturday nights. **

**On winter break and such, they'll be updated errantly. Sorry for the slower updates, but if I flunk out of school…. Bad things happen! Thanks for being such loyal readers. (: **

**Sincerely, **

**Jenah **


	5. Only The Beginning

Two weeks later. Clare Edwards had four thin cuts on her arms. The first was nearly faded into a scar, the second still scabbed over, the third a few days old, and the fourth had just been created.

Her father refused to leave. Her mom had tried to kick him out of the house, but he refused, saying that both of their names were on the mortgage and how him leaving would look bad… basically a bunch of crap. But he was staying. And still sleeping with his secretary. Clare's life had become a walking cliché.

In her life, as stupid as it seemed, the only light at the end of the tunnel was Eli. He just seemed to get her. He knew when to leave her alone, he knew when something was wrong. Quite a few times, he'd texted or called her right as her parents were getting in to a fight, or right after her father had hit her.

That was becoming a regular thing. But Clare had her sweet escape- she could make it go away. Simple as that. For a couple days after each cut, she got really weird. Eli could always tell- he didn't know what it was, though.

He knew. He always knew.

Clare wanted to tell him, she did. She wanted to roll up her sleeve and show him the four times she'd messed up in her perfection. She wanted him to hold her and help her find a better, healthier way to deal with things. But every time, something stopped her. Because she knew there were other ways of dealing, but she also knew they would be hard. Harder than simply being able to drag a blade across a piece of skin and let the problems drip out of her arm.

Clare sighed. Everything else was falling apart. K.C. and Jenna seemed to be everywhere. Despite the fact that Clare was with Eli- she couldn't say in love with, not yet- it still bugged her to see them. Her parents were constantly fighting. Darcy had been acting strange, strange like she was last time when she tried to kill herself. And Bianca, the newest slut at Degrassi, had been flirting with Eli. Nonstop.

Clare knew Eli was HER boyfriend, but she knew how guys were. Clare looked around the stall in the girls' washroom, the one she'd had to escape to. For Bianca was exactly the reason the fourth cut had been made- a small whispered comment about how she planned on being with Eli before the end of the year.

She sighed, cleaned the cut, put the tissue and boxcutter back into her backpack and went out of the stall.

She stared at herself in the mirror, then. What did she have that Bianca didn't have?

_She was thin._

Where did that thought come from? Clare knew she wasn't fat. But as she examined herself from each angle, a realization crashed over her like a wave on a beach. She was … rounder than some girls at this school.

Something had to be done.

For Eli.

Later that night, Clare googled, simply, 'ways to loose weight fast.'

She clicked the Yahoo Answers page that popped up first, and eyed the results, feeling almost dirty even looking at things like this. The page gave a bunch of different answers. There were 360,000,000 results. Not eating. Throwing up what you eat. Drugs. Pills. Diets. Clare didn't know where to start. She decided to not go the drugs route.

Yet.

She wanted to be thin more than anything. And it's not like she would use them to feel good, right? Just to get skinny. She'd stop them, if she even started, once she was thin.

A small voice in her head told her she was starting a slippery decent into a world she wouldn't be able to get out of, but she shushed the voice with the memory of how wonderful Eli's lips felt on hers.

It was for him. She'd show him that she could be just as beautiful as Bianca.

Not eating. Well, she'd eat. She didn't want like, anorexia, or whatever. But she would stop eating as much as she did. Only breakfast and dinner. Or maybe only dinner- just until she lost some weight and looked prettier. Then she'd pick up at least two meals a day. And no snacks.

She immediately starting mapping out a plan for herself. Planning took her mind off of the fact that this was one of the most unhealthy things she could do to herself.

She thought for a minute more about Bianca. She went to her closet and opened it, staring at herself in the mirror hanging from the door. Clothes. Her clothes… they were better than last years', that was for sure, but not right. She went to her desk drawer and pulled out her savings. Birthday and Christmas money from the past three years- there was about five hundred dollars there.

She knew what to spend it on. She looked at her phone- it was 10:30 on a Friday night, but Alli was probably home. Her mom had found some of her school clothes, so she was grounded from going out past 9:00 for the rest of her home life. Clare dialed the all-too-familiar number.

"Alli?"

"Yeah?"

"Tomorrow. You. Me." Clare looked at the money in her hand. It was all for Eli. "Shopping. For stuff… stuff like you wear." Clare heard a loud squeal from the other end and chuckled at her best friend.

"I knew you'd come around, Clare! Yes! I'll see you tomorrow at 10, Sav will drive us." Clare hung up and smiled to herself.

Come their date Sunday night, she'd be a whole new Clare.

By 1:00 Saturday afternoon, Clare had spent over half of the money, but had a bunch of clothes to show for it. Bright colors, clingy fabrics, more skin showing than she had ever dared reveal. But what did it matter? It was still more modest than like half of the girls in their stupid school. It's not like she was showing anything that a bathing suit didn't already show.

They'd stopped for lunch and Alli was gorging herself with a chili cheese dog from the stand in the mall. In between bites, she said,

"Clare, are you sure you don't want any? It's SO yummy." Clare shook her head vehemently 'no'. Alli shrugged as Clare continued drinking her diet soda, though inside she was yearning for the food on Alli's plate.

Eli. She filled her mind with him, reminding herself of the way it felt when he kissed her again. And that was all it took to feign off hunger this time.

Sunday night.

Clare looked in the mirror, wrapped in a white towel. Eli was going to be there in 45 minutes. She blow dried her hair and then, afraid of what she'd see, stepped on the scale. It'd only been two days, since she'd decided she needed to be thinner. But she'd gone running both morning and evening, and had managed to only eat once on Saturday. She hadn't yet eaten today.

123. Clare smiled to herself. It was only three pounds, but it was also only the beginning. She felt so clean, so pure. She grabbed the clothes, some of her new things, from the bathroom counter and began pulling them on. When she was done, she looked in the mirror and did a double-take. She actually looked… kind of… amazing. She was wearing a bright fushia top with sleeves that went to her mid-forearm, with holes on her shoulders. She'd seen Bianca wear almost the same thing a few weeks ago. She slid on a black denium mini skirt that didn't come close to following her previously-instated rule that a skirtline had to touch where her fingers reached down.

It didn't matter- it was all for Eli, she reminded herself. She looked at herself from every angle before unclipping the silver cross necklace hanging from her neck, the same one she'd had for years. It was only for tonight, she told herself as she slid it into her drawer. It didn't look good with the scoop neck of her top.

Clare ran her fingers through her hair, messing it up intentionally a little. By now it reached nearly down to her shoulders, which was good. She'd regretted cutting it, although she felt that it'd been good for her to have a change last summer. It just needed to be different now. Long.

_Like Bianca's. _

It wasn't that Clare admired Bianca- she thought she was a mean, boyfriend-stealing slut. But she also knew that there were a lot of guys went after Bianca. Clare didn't want a lot of guys- she just wanted Eli. But she figured she could hold onto him better this way.

Her phone went off then, letting her know that Eli was supposed to be there in 5 minutes. She then heard a knock from downstairs. Eli. Crap.

Clare hurried to finish her makeup- a thicker-than-normal line of liquid eyeliner on her top lid, and a lilac color crushed over it, and lip gloss the color of her shirt spread on her lips. She strapped on a pair of pink strappy high-heeled sandals she'd borrowed from Ali and made her descent down the stairs, happy that her parents were both mysteriously gone from the house. She decided not to question it- she was just happy that they weren't there to question her outfit. She grabbed a black cardigan hanging on the side of the door and slung it over her arm, careful not to mess up the makeup she'd put on her four scars to hide them. It was water and smudge proof, but she couldn't be too careful.

Not when Eli was concerned.

Clare took a deep breath, and opened the door. Eli was turned away from her, holding a red rose. When he saw her, though, he dropped the flower. She smiled her still-cute smile at him and stepped outside of the doorway, locking the door before slipping the golden key into her black clutch.

"Clare, you look-"

And then, for maybe the millionth time that week, their lips collided.

Clare thought to herself, the hunger of the past two days, the reckless spending of all the money she'd had, it was all worth the look in his eyes when he caught the first glimpse of the new Clare.

And this, this was only the beginning.

**Okay, I know it's a stretch, Clare having an eating disorder, but that's why this is fanFICTION, right? Still, review even if you don't like it. This is one of the longest chapters I've written for this story so far, pretty proud of it. Let me know what you think! **


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